recently i have come to realize that happiness is not an emotion, but rather a mindset. for so long, i have tried to be happy and i would get so angry when i wasn't. it was an interesting cycle of wanting to be happy and being mad that i couldn't be happy. i was chasing after an emotion, when really i just had to choose to be happy.

at the beginning of the semester, i decided that my quote for the school year was going to be "do what makes you happy." that meant that i was going to do things that made me happy and not be upset about it. typically i'd get mad at myself for lying in bed all day because i so badly wanted to be productive, but now i just say "hey, this is happiness. happiness is whatever you want it to be. i'm basically telling my mind to just relax and find happiness in the moments.

to better equip me to find happiness, i wrote a list in my journal of activities that make me happy. some of these activities include hiking, sleeping, cooking, writing poetry, drinking coffee, etc. so maybe you write a list of things that make you happy or maybe you write a list of things that don't make you happy, and then you try to stop doing as many as you can. for me one of the things that never made me happy was eating meat, so now i'm a big veg-head and i am feeling happier. bring new things into your life and remove things too.

i am trying to be more positive this year and not let my brain bring me down. this is the school year of good vibes and realizing that happiness is a mindset. let's end 2018 with happiness and start 2019 with it too.

"it's never too late to be happy. but it's all up to you and no one else." 

xo, aubs

coffee with Jesus

this morning i felt urged to stay home from church and spend alone time with Jesus.

recently, i have felt like it has been harder for me to spend alone time with Him. i used to talk to God all the time, i used to cling to His presence, through everything. but now, it's almost like i'm scared to put myself in His presence, i am terrified that i am too broken and full of fear. i feel like it's easier to go to church and worship Him in front of others, but i become so vulnerable when it's just me and Him. but that's the thing i have to remember, that God wants us to be vulnerable and that we can never be too broken for Him.

so this morning, i stayed home from church. i made myself a cup of coffee and sat down in my favorite green chair. i opened my Bible to a random devotional, took out my "Jesus journal" and sat in His presence. i read 2 peter 1:1-15, 2 chronicles 16:9, and ephesians 3:20-21. i turned on "stand in your love" on spotify .and this was exactly what i needed today.

i have been trying to deal with a lot of things on my own lately, trying to rely on my own strength, and not understanding why God has given me so much to deal with. these verses reminded me that God can do way more than we ask or think. He loves those who devote themselves to Him. He has given us everything required for life. "we don't have to muster up the strength to live the christian life in our own power." this song reminded me that even when brokenness and pain is all i know, that my fear doesn't stand a chance, when i stand in His love. it took staying home from church and having coffee with Jesus for me to realize that i never had to do this on my own. that i don't have to be strong during the struggles that i am going through and that God has given me these struggles because He knows i can handle them and that they are going to shape me into the person that i am meant to become, the person He wants me to be.

all that being said, if you feel God urging you to do something today, do it. He might be telling you to stay home from church, He might be telling you to go to church, He might be telling you to reach out to someone whom you don't want to reach out to, He might be telling you to go to the doctor, He might be telling you to clean the house, He might be telling you to do the most mundane task in the world; He has a reason for urging you to do these things, so please listen to Him and do them. i promise you won't regret listening to Him, i never have regretted it.

-aubs

happy and single

being single and happy is weird.

for the first time in my life, i am happy that i am single. i used to talk and act like i was happy being single but the whole time i was longing for something more and questioning why i hadn’t found it yet. but this summer changed that.

this summer was a crazy summer for me, both mentally and physically.

i have been dealing with some mental illness for some time now and this summer i decided that i just want to be happy. i have since cut out a few things that make me unhappy, like meat and working out (lol). i have also added a few things to my life to help make me happier like i started cooking again and decided to get closer to friends that i care about. i have also decided not to be so hard on myself, especially when i'm feeling depressed or panicky. i keep having to remind myself that some days i need to lie in bed all day and that i can't be mad at myself for doing it. i also can't get mad at myself for being anxious for unknown reasons and seeking people who make me less anxious. it's all about being happy while having depression and living with it. it's a mindset.

i also struggled with some physical health issues and i have been doing a lot of reflecting on those issues and how i plan to deal with them. this thought creates the perfect opportunity for me to ask for some prayers. due to these health issues that i have, i have had to step back and realize that i am not in control of my life and as much as i like to avoid big pharmaceutical companies, sometimes natural remedies can't help with certain issues. this has been a big struggle for me but has yet again shown that I need to be single to figure these things out because it's already a lot of added stress in my life and i don't need to add more. i could really use some prayers for improvement of my health and wellbeing.

i have been able to focus on my school and ultimately my career while being single. i published a book and am working on another one. i have moved up in my position at work. i am getting good grades and hope to land a food and beverage job as soon as i graduate. i plan to move somewhere on the east coast to open a cafe with angela. being single has helped me to accomplish my goals and allows me to live my life without having to compromise.

last but not least, i have been focusing a lot more on God and what he wants from me in this life. right now, He wants me to be single. He wants me to focus on making myself better before i try and start a new relationship. this summer was just a crazy reminder that God puts me in situations for a reason. i am happy where i am at and i am happy with the direction that my life is headed.

one day, someone will come into my life and be able to help me deal with all these things in my life, but for now, i am doing it all on my own.

sometimes it still freaks me out that i'm happy and i'm worried that it won't last long. i'm focusing on the now and i'll focus on the future when it gets here. for now, i am happy.

xoxo, aubs

soul-searching

oh my goodness, soul-searching is such a hippie thing to say. i am a hippie, so i can say things like "soul-searching" and "love everyone, especially the earth." anyways, i need to work on getting to the point.

this summer i did a lot of soul-searching. i was very lucky to have a laid-back summer; i traveled to new hampshire for two weeks and spend a lot of time thinking. i also grew even closer to God and opened up about a lot of things to my church friends. i wanted to share a couple of the things i thought up and lifestyle changes i have made because of this summer.

01. that pescetarian life
so after i went to new hampshire i started to evaluate how meat made me feel and realized that i felt gross. i cut meat out of my diet near the end of july and have been staying away from it ever since. i discovered that fish and other seafood doesn't make me feel awful, so i have decided to continue to eat it (the real reason is that i couldn't give up sushi). i also learned a lot about how the meat industry uses abnormal amounts of water and then dumps waste into the ocean, so i couldn't consciously support that. if you are interested in going meatless, chat with me! i also have a pinterest board called 'meatless' if you ever need some recipe ideas.

02. do what makes you happy
so this summer i kind of told my depression that i know it is there, but that i still want to be happy. so basically live your life to the fullest and don't feel bad about it. we have one life to live and we can't waste it. so if you feel like lying in bed all day and it makes you happy, then lie in bed. if you want to be with someone and they make you happy, just be with them. if you want to eat nacho fries for three straight days, do it! just do what makes you happy my dudes.

03. boys are dumb, but girls are dumb too
my little brother told me i was being stupid a lot this summer, and he was right sometimes. boys seem like they do everything just to irritate us, but i'm almost positive that girls irritate boys a lot. so we are all dumb.

04. taking care of your mind is crucial
this soul-searching was a result of a panic attack and i was just so over being anxious and not knowing why. so just take care of your mind and don't get down on yourself. mental illness is an illness, treat it like any other illness. none of us are perfect.

05. God's got this.
i recently read a post about a pastor who committed suicide and it was just so upsetting, but his wife said that his favorite phrase was "God's got this." so yeah just remember that on the hard days, God's got this.

that's all i have at this moment, so until next time!

xoxo, Aubs

beauty routine

you all voted on my instagram and decided that you wanted to see my summer beauty routine. my beauty routine for the summer is generally the same as my normal beauty routine, with a few small changes.

for this post, i have decided to highlight a few products that i swear by.

mario badescu drying lotion + rose water spray

i have been using the mario badescu rose water spray for almost two years now. i love spritzing it on my face after a day at the beach, after showering, after using a face mask, etc. it is super refreshing and it smells good too.
i just started using the mario badescu drying lotion and i am in love with it! this stuff works like magic; you put it on blemishes before you go to bed and in the morning they have shrunk significantly or they are completely gone. two of my must-haves!

i typically use both of these products every day because that's just how much i love them.

coconut oil + tea tree oil

i always have a small container in my bathroom filled with coconut oil and a few drops of tea tree oil. tea tree oil is an antibacterial essential oil so it is great for cleansing skin and coconut oil is an awesome moisturizer, that's why i put this mixture on my face before i go to bed. this blend helps with redness and also with blemishes.

face masks

as of late, i have been doing a lot of face masks. a few of my favorites are memebox disco kitten, origins charcoal mask, + epicuren chai soy mud mask.

colourpop concealer

and last but not least, a product that my friends and i call "the magic concealer." priced at only $6 this concealer is even better than urban decay, estee lauder, etc. with 30 different shades, it's nearly impossible not to find a shade for you. i have never used a concealer that covers blemishes and lasts all day, until now! i am in love with this product and i will never go back!

now with beauty routines, not all products work for everyone. so definitely try these things and if they don't work, don't feel discouraged. everyone's skin is different and needs different products. and remember, what really matters is your beauty on the inside, not on the outside!

xoxo, aubs

NH + VT

i just got back from a two-week adventure to new england and i wanted to share this adventure with you! as a lot of you know, my best friend lives in new hampshire and we try to see each other at least once a year. this year, i traveled to new hampshire for two weeks in hopes of starting fresh this summer. since my trip to new hampshire, i have decided to become a pescetarian (vegetarian who eats fish and other seafood) and i have also decided that i really need to start taking care of myself, mentally.

all of this was decided during my adventurous week to new hampshire and a little bit to vermont, in this post you will get a little more insight as to how such an environment could help me set these goals. so let's begin!

for starters, this trip to visit angela was very important to both of us, so important that i woke up at 3:30 am for my 5 am flight to boston. i barely slept on the flight because i was so excited and i also wanted to see the sunrise. God painted such a beautiful picture that morning, making known His presence with me during my trip. that day i met angela's new child (dog), bear. we mutually decided that i would be bear's aunt, so hello i am now a dog auntie.

during my trip we went to many cool places. we visited hampton, where we took bear for a walk along the beach.

i saw my other cousin, vanessa's new house and had a really fun dinner over there. angela, nicole, and i took a day trip to portsmouth for some shopping!

we went to ellis river in jackson, did some crazy hiking down the river and also swam in it. i ate some really good ahi tuna tacos while in town.

we took a roadtrip to vermont to visit some more cousins. vermont is such a calm place to be. life just seems to slow down while you are there. vermont is one of the many reasons why i would like to live in the new england region at some point in my life.

we celebrated nicole's 15th birthday by taking her out to breakfast, taking cute photos, and spending the day with her. angela and i also took photos that make us look like a couple, so typical.

we went to white lake, this gorgeous lake that is centered in the middle of the mountains. it's a state park in new hampshire, so it's pretty popular. while we were there is decided to storm for a good 35 minutes, but then the rest of the day was beautiful.

then on my last night in new hampshire (sad), we went and saw ant-man and the wasp. during the trailer for creed we all freaked out at how hot michael b. jordan is, what's new. we also took some movie theatre pics that are the real gems of my whole trip.

i'm still fairly sad that i am not currently with angela, but i know that we will see each other again soon.

thank you to jetblue for setting their prices low enough that i can afford to see my cousin more often. thank you to shipt for having a job that makes it possible for me to travel. and thank you to my relatives for taking me in for two weeks this summer. i am so grateful that this trip could happen.

till next time!

xoxo, aubs

summer reading list

recently, my friend, jack, told me that i needed to read a novel this summer, so naturally, i took that as "i need to read as many novels as i can." i put together a summer reading list for myself and after putting it to a vote on my instagram, i have decided to share it with you. I have put an X next to each book that I have finished. i hope to finish all of these by the end of the summer.

on my list is

• the handmaid's tale X
• gone girl X
• the girl on the train X
• sad girls X
• middlesex X
• out of bounds X
• slaughterhouse five 
• catch 22
• the marriage plot
• the mars room
• the perfect mother
• how to walk away
• into the water
• educated
• the book of essie 

i encourage you all to make a summer reading list for yourself, maybe include some of these on your list! also comment some more books i should read, i'm always up for recommendations. until next time!

-aubs

pura vida

hello beautiful people!

today is one of those hot and humid days here in michigan, but that's nothing compared to the humidity in costa rica. i've never been to costa rica, so i don't exactly know what it's like, but i'd have to assume that it's very hot and humid.

in fact, my wonderful friend, olivia, is going there to study abroad. i guess we could ask her while she's there, or we could all take a giant trip there and figure it out on our own. doesn't that sound like a good time?

well since i can't exactly afford a trip to costa rica and i assume many of you can't either, i have a small piece of costa rica for each and every one of you.

recently, i became a rep for pura vida bracelets. now if you've never heard of pura vida, i will gladly fill you in. pura vida began when two college grads went to costa rica for a trip. these two grads met two local bracelet artisans and had them make 400 bracelets for them to take back to san diego. these two grads sold all 400 of the bracelets and realized what a great business it was. today, each and every pura vida bracelet is made by artisans all over the world, many of them are still made in costa rica.

the coolest part is that pura vida's core belief is giving back! many of their bracelets are from the charity collection, which means that each one of those bracelets supports a specific cause.

now if i haven't sold you yet, how does a 20% off discount sound? c'mon, i know most of you are college students who love bracelets, anklets, and rings! why don't you just check out their website and if you see something you like, use my discount code: AUBREYSOCHACKI20 .

peace out, aubs

excerpt from my journal no. 44

so i haven't done a journal excerpt in a very, very long time and i actually have decided to retire them for now; this will be the last one. if you enjoy reading my poems and such, you can check out my hello poetry or purchase my book on amazon.

untitled- 06/01/18

don't write for anyone but yourself
the moment you write for him or her
you lose yourself and your voice

very short and sweet to end a series of journal excerpts! i will probably continue to post some journal photos on my instagram stories, so check those out if you enjoyed these.

love you guys!
see you all very soon.

-aubs

happy 200 and 15k

so today i am hitting two major blogging milestones! this is my 200th post and the day that i hit 15,000 views.

i just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart! i started this blog in 2015 and i didn't expect much from it. i had no idea what to talk about and quite frankly i didn't even know who i was. i feel like this blog has brought so much growth to my life. thank you so much for following me on this journey!

for those of you who have been here since the first post, you are crazy! but honestly, thank you for seeing something in me, when i couldn't even see myself. you have seen me change my blogging topic several times, you were there when i published take me with you, and most of all you were here when i hit 15,000 page views! thanks for sticking around, i can't wait to see where this blog goes!

for those of you who are more recent, i am just as grateful for you! you see something in me and this blog and that is truly amazing! i hope that you stick around so that you can witness some cool things that i have planned for this blog and for my life. read some old posts if you desire to and stay tuned!

that is all i really have to say! so thank you again! let's see what adventures await us, shall we?

much love, aubs

friend dates

so you go to college and you meet your best friends, but what about summer? you all have to go back to your hometowns; some of you have internships, some have full-time jobs, others are traveling the world. so what exactly do you do to keep up with your friends?

you could just hang out and watch movies or you could do something much more exciting! like, go on a friend date. i think it's unique and a change of scenery to go somewhere new with your friends.

recently i went on a friend date with grace. we initially planned on going to downtown detroit for lunch, but we ended up just hanging around her city. it was super fun because we both got all dressed up like we were going on an actual date and we just spent the day together.

it's so crucial to stay connected to your college friends throughout the summer. it might only be three months, but it's a great idea to get excited about seeing them every now and then.

so seriously, take some time this week. connect with a friend and schedule a fun date for you two. go get coffee, go to a movie, go out to eat, etc. whatever you do, just remember to give your friend your full attention!

love your friends like they're a special date, they deserve it!

xoxo, Aubs 

active faith

hello friends! i recently was chatting with my friend, bryce, about actively pursuing God every day. we both thought that it would make a great blog post to start out the summer blogging season. this summer i want to make an effort to blog more often and to pursue God at all times.

when bryce and i were talking, we discussed ways that we pursue God. now, you have all probably been told to read your Bible, pray, go to church, etc. but what about the mundane tasks?
1 Corinthians 10:31 calls us to do everything for the glory of God; "so whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." so what about putting on your makeup or brushing your teeth? what about filling your water bottle or driving to work/school? what if, with every task, we pursued God with all we've got?

now i'm just going to discuss two of the tasks i mentioned above, putting on your makeup and filling a water bottle.

i told bryce that i have begun to sing of His praise while i do my makeup in the morning, just to remind myself who God is. sometimes i will play my favorite worship songs or i will just say a simple mantra like "you are the great I am" or "faith over fear." just doing this has transformed how i feel in the morning, it wakes me up, reduces my anxiety, and generally makes me happier.

and bryce told me that he has been thinking about the cisterns in our lives and how God is the only cistern we should be filling and the only cistern we should be using to fill ourselves. now if you don't know what a cistern is, check out Jeremiah 2:13. bryce explained it best when he said, "we dig our own cisterns, our own broken cisterns, never enough to make me happy, can never fill me up like the spring of living water that is the cistern of God." now bryce told me that he thinks of this every time he fills his water bottle and prays that he fills his cistern with God.

isn't it just extravagant that God is present in everything you do? isn't is truly amazing that God wants to be present in everything you do? that all He wants is to know you?

i hope that you find a small task in your life or take one of the ones i mentioned and use it to glorify God.

xoxo, Aubs 

i can only imagine

hi friends!

i just got back from seeing i can only imagine with my mom and i'm pretty sure you need to go see it too because holy moly was it amazing! but really there were a couple things that stuck with me, 1. priscilla shirer was in the movie, which for some reason reminded me of christine caine's talk at passion, probably because i needed to hear the truth from her talk again. 2. bart's manager said to him, "what are you running from?" and then told bart to "embrace it" 3. no matter how much your (my) life is falling apart, Jesus is never ever ever ever (a million times ever) going to abandon you (me).

so yeah, let me expand on these all a little bit more!

one. christine caine's main point during her passion talk was "who told you?" and lately i've been really down on myself and feeling super unworthy and just unlovable. you guys probably think i have my life altogether, especially since i wrote a blog post on the topic of being unlovable, but honestly, i don't have it all together. i write these posts for me so that when i am feeling this way, i can look back and read the truth. anyways back to christine's talk. so during this movie, i saw priscilla and i instantly thought of christine and instantly thought, "who told me i was unworthy and unlovable?" Jesus sure didn't say that. i mean Jesus thought i was worthy and lovable, enough so that He died for me. so why do i let my depression and anxiety spew lies in my life? why do i let past events tell me who i am? because man, i am forgiven, i am worthy, i am loved, i am lovable, and i am pretty freaking awesome. so that being said, i need to remember that it only matters what God says about me, not what anyone else, myself included, says about me.

two. "what are you running from?" a lot. "embrace it" how? how should i do that God?
i am going to journal about this tonight, see what God says to me and for once listen to Him. i encourage you to do the very same thing. tell Him what you're running from and ask Him how you can embrace it.

three. last week was a rough week. i was extremely panicky and anxious, i just wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. i'm not even going to lie, i think i cried every single day of the week because of how overwhelmed i was. but hey, even when i was crying, i was talking to God. i was thanking God every single day that i was alive, that i was feeling emotions, that because of Him i still felt joyful. so you know, even when my life feels like it's falling apart, and i swear it has fallen apart a lot before, Jesus is so freaking cool and will never leave me. and even when He's silent, He's still there.

so yeah man, go see i can only imagine! maybe God will use it to reach out to you in unthinkable ways! and happy easter! Jesus is alive. and He is alive every single day!

xoxo, aubs

spring thoughts

hello beautiful humans!

it's officially spring! which means that the time changed about a week ago, the sun is out longer, it's getting above 32 degrees most days, seasonal depression is diminishing, and finals are right around the corner.

since it's a new season, i thought i'd give you some thoughts of mine!

01. kombucha is almost as good as water. i've been drinking kombucha almost every day and i absolutely love it! as of late, i am drinking the kevita pineapple peach, like it's going out of style. friends! go to the store and get yourself a kombucha so we can reap the benefits together!

02. leave the past in the past. i keep looking back at my old poetry from my book (from when i was 17) and i get so discouraged because i wrote some of the best work when i was 17 and now i'm 20 and struggling. but ladies and gentlemen, we need to stop looking at our past work, past relationships, past lives; we live in the present and good things will come from this time too.

03. sometimes God put people in your life for one reason; that they need someone to be praying for them. i feel like this happened to me very recently, it's hard to distinguish a person's purpose in your life or even your purpose in theirs. But if God tells you to pray for them, you do it out of obedience, even if it's the last thing you want to do.

04. having gratitude can really change your way of living. recently, i started writing at least five things i am thankful for each day; this has reminded me that there are always things to be thankful for, even when my life feels like it's falling apart. so take a second today, take out that journal, and write five things you're thankful for.

05. eyebrows are annoying and i'm about to grow mine into a unibrow so i can look like frida kahlo. my mom says i could be frida's twin if i grew out my unibrow and mustache, so i say let's do this! i am so very sick of paying to get my eyebrows waxed every two weeks, so why not? this was my one random and out there thought for you, but really all my thoughts are random.

so friends! there are some random spring thoughts for you! i need to take some outdoorsy photo since it's nice out and bring you some aesthetically pleasing posts! 

butterfly effect

would you really change the past if you had the option? your future might change along with the present. is it worth it? would you do it? 

do you ever wish you could go back in time and change something you did or said? i know i've thought about that before, like "hey God if you could just give me one more chance not to do that thing or say those words, things would be so much better." but really, if you could change things, should you? most definitely not. have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? not the song, but like the theory? well, i'll tell you about it. so the butterfly effect is the theory that if you went back in time and changed one little thing, then really everything would spiral out of control and everything at this very moment would be different.

i'll give you a real life example here. okay so let's go back into time when aubrey (me) was looking at colleges. i toured grand valley, cornerstone, hope, and calvin. i was 99.99% sure i was going to go to cornerstone and become a youth pastor. that was my goal, but obviously God had bigger, better plans for me and i ended up at grand valley. but let's pretend for a second that i went to cornerstone. i wouldn't have met so many people that i call my best friends, i wouldn't have found an amazing church that i now call home, i wouldn't have met the love of my life (kidding, still haven't met him yet. maybe i would have if i didn't go to gvsu(woah, butterfly effect)), and i honest to God probably wouldn't be writing a blog post about the butterfly effect.

isn't this such a wild thing to think about?

so i guess all that being said, never regret any decisions you make in life. chances are, if you were to change a small decision you made in the past, the present and the future would look inevitably different, maybe even worse.

so ladies and gentlemen, go live your life with this new piece of knowledge and stop living with regrets, you can't change the past and if you could, you wouldn't want to.

xoxo, aubs 

inner workings of my brain

welcome to my brain. my brain is a collection of many weird thoughts, anxieties, motivators, etc. but today, i'm just going to share a couple weird thoughts i've had recently and just elaborate on them. so let's begin, shall we?

okay, time is literally only a concept, but we let it dictate so much of our lives. what time we will wake up, what time we have class, what time we eat, what time we sleep, what time we go out on dates, what time we hang out with friends, etc. time dictates every aspect of our lives, but time is just a concept created by humans. time isn't even a real thing, like yes God made day and night, but he didn't specifically say "the sun will set at blah blah blah time" or "everyone will eat at this time." time is just a restraint that mankind created to make our lives easier to live, but i seem to find that time sometimes makes my life harder. so maybe we just need to take some time and ponder on how much not having time is holding us back.

now for my next thought, i have a question for you all. are you living how you want to live or are you living how society wants you to live? looking at my own life, i seem to find that a lot of the time i'm living how society wants me to live. society wants me to go to college, society wants me to drive a nice car, society wants me to find a husband, society wants me to have children. i mean i also want to go to college and get married and have children. but, if society didn't want me to do those things, would i feel the pressure to do them? probably not. it's weird how much society influences us or holds us back. society says i am a millennial, therefore society already declared that i am not a hard worker, that i won't have a successful love life, that i'll fail over and over again. but that's not even true, because i don't follow society's rules, i follow God's rules. this thought kind of reminds me of christine caine's talk from passion. she questioned us all, "who told you?" who told you, you needed to go to college? who told you, that you needed to find a spouse right now? who told you, that you'll never be successful? God never said these things, therefore they can't be true.

i wake up at 5 am everyday, even though my alarm is set for 7 am. why do i wake up at the same time everyday? maybe it's because i'm not spending enough time with God and He's trying to tell me something. i know that's what it has been in the past, so maybe He's trying to reach me again. maybe it's just my anxiety waking me up and freaking me out, it's also been that before. maybe it's because i have a poet's brain and can't keep my thoughts at bay, even when i'm sleeping. i've written some of my best lines, while being half asleep. it really could be a variety of things.

i'm seriously just trying to get you all to think about some things, that i'm sure you've questioned before.

so here's another one. how do we actually know how were feeling, if we have a word for every emotion? do we actually know what emotions are or are they just words? do we actually know what happiness is or sadness? do we know what hurt feels like? hurt is just a word, not a feeling. if you feel like your heart is being ripped into pieces, do you think hurt justifies that feeling? if you can't get out of bed or stop the tears from flowing, are you really just sad? emotions are just words that we gave meaning to, it's actually so weird to me.

okay, here's another thought for you all. why is halsey sooooo relatable? i'm just listening to her music and it's all just so relatable. like girl my life is falling apart too, but i'm still loving life. remember when i met halsey and cried? same. she's just such an inspiring force, don't @ me.

i was going to end this post and mentioned i was crazy, so now i have another random thought about craziness. so ya'll probably think i'm crazy, which i am. we are all crazy, some more than others. you just have to decide how crazy you want to be and then one day you'll find someone who likes your crazy and you like theirs. wait, so we're basically searching for someone who will compliment our craziness! isn't that just crazy?

i am done scaring you with my thoughts, hope i got you thinking about some of these things. tweet me about your crazy thoughts, i'm curious!

xoxo, aubs

excerpt from my journal no. 43

it has almost been a year since i posted a journal excerpt, which is actually really hard to believe. i don't remember why i stopped posting them. so i guess to make up for it, here is a poem i recently wrote about red lights (inspired by the song "red" by miki ratsula).

01/28/18 untitled
i want to kiss you
at every red light
both figuratively and literally 

i want to kiss you
when life gets hard
and when shit happens

i want to kiss you
in the 30 seconds we have 
at each intersection

i want to kiss you
always. 

okay that is it. lol bye. it's not about anyone in particular so don't ponder on that too much (or is it? i guess you'll never know)

xoxo, aubs

caffeine dreaming

a college student's key to success: coffee + tea + energy drinks. but are all these things really good for us? is it good to constantly feed ourselves stimulants or is it really making things worse? should we really be proud to say we had six cups of coffee or three red bulls? or should we actually be worried? i think we should be worried about our caffeine consumption.

the majority of college students suffer from some form of mental illness, most commonly, anxiety and depression. and did you know that caffeine and sugar are two of the leading causes of anxiety? isn't that crazy that we constantly consume things that can increase our anxiety?

i mean that's what happened to me. i was drinking about five or six cups of coffee a day; three to tame the headaches and two to three to keep myself awake and alert. but i was also ridden with constant anxiety. i was overdoing it for sure. my anxiety was so bad that my therapist from maven said i should try cutting back to 3 cups a day and work myself down to one or none. (yo, check out maven for real. it's such a great service! use my code for a 10 min appointment credit GRANDVALLEYAS) i don't like to do things half way, so i just decided to cut coffee out of my life all together. that was in october and now it's january and i maybe have a cup of coffee once a month. in october when i gave up coffee, i felt so many withdrawal symptoms and it even made my anxiety and depression worse for a while. i was making dumb decisions (nothing dangerous, just dumb). but soon the caffeine withdrawal symptoms subsided and i felt like a human again. i woke up feeling less anxious (it wasn't gone, because as you know anxiety doesn't just disappear) and i even started sleeping better. it's crazy how much better i feel without caffeine.

now i'm not saying caffeine is bad because sometimes you really just need it to get through the day (like right now i'm consuming a red bull because i got 4 hours of sleep last night, i have to work a closing shift, and because red bull sent me some in the mail), but i am saying that it's not good to depend on it. caffeine isn't good when it becomes something you're addicted to, when you need it to get you through the day. caffeine is a drug, an extremely addictive one, that not many people think about. are you addicted to caffeine? are you ridden with anxiety? do you feel like a robot? yeah? you might want to think about cutting back on caffeine. you might start to feel more like yourself again.