recently i have come to realize that happiness is not an emotion, but rather a mindset. for so long, i have tried to be happy and i would get so angry when i wasn't. it was an interesting cycle of wanting to be happy and being mad that i couldn't be happy. i was chasing after an emotion, when really i just had to choose to be happy.

at the beginning of the semester, i decided that my quote for the school year was going to be "do what makes you happy." that meant that i was going to do things that made me happy and not be upset about it. typically i'd get mad at myself for lying in bed all day because i so badly wanted to be productive, but now i just say "hey, this is happiness. happiness is whatever you want it to be. i'm basically telling my mind to just relax and find happiness in the moments.

to better equip me to find happiness, i wrote a list in my journal of activities that make me happy. some of these activities include hiking, sleeping, cooking, writing poetry, drinking coffee, etc. so maybe you write a list of things that make you happy or maybe you write a list of things that don't make you happy, and then you try to stop doing as many as you can. for me one of the things that never made me happy was eating meat, so now i'm a big veg-head and i am feeling happier. bring new things into your life and remove things too.

i am trying to be more positive this year and not let my brain bring me down. this is the school year of good vibes and realizing that happiness is a mindset. let's end 2018 with happiness and start 2019 with it too.

"it's never too late to be happy. but it's all up to you and no one else." 

xo, aubs

coffee with Jesus

this morning i felt urged to stay home from church and spend alone time with Jesus.

recently, i have felt like it has been harder for me to spend alone time with Him. i used to talk to God all the time, i used to cling to His presence, through everything. but now, it's almost like i'm scared to put myself in His presence, i am terrified that i am too broken and full of fear. i feel like it's easier to go to church and worship Him in front of others, but i become so vulnerable when it's just me and Him. but that's the thing i have to remember, that God wants us to be vulnerable and that we can never be too broken for Him.

so this morning, i stayed home from church. i made myself a cup of coffee and sat down in my favorite green chair. i opened my Bible to a random devotional, took out my "Jesus journal" and sat in His presence. i read 2 peter 1:1-15, 2 chronicles 16:9, and ephesians 3:20-21. i turned on "stand in your love" on spotify .and this was exactly what i needed today.

i have been trying to deal with a lot of things on my own lately, trying to rely on my own strength, and not understanding why God has given me so much to deal with. these verses reminded me that God can do way more than we ask or think. He loves those who devote themselves to Him. He has given us everything required for life. "we don't have to muster up the strength to live the christian life in our own power." this song reminded me that even when brokenness and pain is all i know, that my fear doesn't stand a chance, when i stand in His love. it took staying home from church and having coffee with Jesus for me to realize that i never had to do this on my own. that i don't have to be strong during the struggles that i am going through and that God has given me these struggles because He knows i can handle them and that they are going to shape me into the person that i am meant to become, the person He wants me to be.

all that being said, if you feel God urging you to do something today, do it. He might be telling you to stay home from church, He might be telling you to go to church, He might be telling you to reach out to someone whom you don't want to reach out to, He might be telling you to go to the doctor, He might be telling you to clean the house, He might be telling you to do the most mundane task in the world; He has a reason for urging you to do these things, so please listen to Him and do them. i promise you won't regret listening to Him, i never have regretted it.

-aubs

happy and single

being single and happy is weird.

for the first time in my life, i am happy that i am single. i used to talk and act like i was happy being single but the whole time i was longing for something more and questioning why i hadn’t found it yet. but this summer changed that.

this summer was a crazy summer for me, both mentally and physically.

i have been dealing with some mental illness for some time now and this summer i decided that i just want to be happy. i have since cut out a few things that make me unhappy, like meat and working out (lol). i have also added a few things to my life to help make me happier like i started cooking again and decided to get closer to friends that i care about. i have also decided not to be so hard on myself, especially when i'm feeling depressed or panicky. i keep having to remind myself that some days i need to lie in bed all day and that i can't be mad at myself for doing it. i also can't get mad at myself for being anxious for unknown reasons and seeking people who make me less anxious. it's all about being happy while having depression and living with it. it's a mindset.

i also struggled with some physical health issues and i have been doing a lot of reflecting on those issues and how i plan to deal with them. this thought creates the perfect opportunity for me to ask for some prayers. due to these health issues that i have, i have had to step back and realize that i am not in control of my life and as much as i like to avoid big pharmaceutical companies, sometimes natural remedies can't help with certain issues. this has been a big struggle for me but has yet again shown that I need to be single to figure these things out because it's already a lot of added stress in my life and i don't need to add more. i could really use some prayers for improvement of my health and wellbeing.

i have been able to focus on my school and ultimately my career while being single. i published a book and am working on another one. i have moved up in my position at work. i am getting good grades and hope to land a food and beverage job as soon as i graduate. i plan to move somewhere on the east coast to open a cafe with angela. being single has helped me to accomplish my goals and allows me to live my life without having to compromise.

last but not least, i have been focusing a lot more on God and what he wants from me in this life. right now, He wants me to be single. He wants me to focus on making myself better before i try and start a new relationship. this summer was just a crazy reminder that God puts me in situations for a reason. i am happy where i am at and i am happy with the direction that my life is headed.

one day, someone will come into my life and be able to help me deal with all these things in my life, but for now, i am doing it all on my own.

sometimes it still freaks me out that i'm happy and i'm worried that it won't last long. i'm focusing on the now and i'll focus on the future when it gets here. for now, i am happy.

xoxo, aubs

soul-searching

oh my goodness, soul-searching is such a hippie thing to say. i am a hippie, so i can say things like "soul-searching" and "love everyone, especially the earth." anyways, i need to work on getting to the point.

this summer i did a lot of soul-searching. i was very lucky to have a laid-back summer; i traveled to new hampshire for two weeks and spend a lot of time thinking. i also grew even closer to God and opened up about a lot of things to my church friends. i wanted to share a couple of the things i thought up and lifestyle changes i have made because of this summer.

01. that pescetarian life
so after i went to new hampshire i started to evaluate how meat made me feel and realized that i felt gross. i cut meat out of my diet near the end of july and have been staying away from it ever since. i discovered that fish and other seafood doesn't make me feel awful, so i have decided to continue to eat it (the real reason is that i couldn't give up sushi). i also learned a lot about how the meat industry uses abnormal amounts of water and then dumps waste into the ocean, so i couldn't consciously support that. if you are interested in going meatless, chat with me! i also have a pinterest board called 'meatless' if you ever need some recipe ideas.

02. do what makes you happy
so this summer i kind of told my depression that i know it is there, but that i still want to be happy. so basically live your life to the fullest and don't feel bad about it. we have one life to live and we can't waste it. so if you feel like lying in bed all day and it makes you happy, then lie in bed. if you want to be with someone and they make you happy, just be with them. if you want to eat nacho fries for three straight days, do it! just do what makes you happy my dudes.

03. boys are dumb, but girls are dumb too
my little brother told me i was being stupid a lot this summer, and he was right sometimes. boys seem like they do everything just to irritate us, but i'm almost positive that girls irritate boys a lot. so we are all dumb.

04. taking care of your mind is crucial
this soul-searching was a result of a panic attack and i was just so over being anxious and not knowing why. so just take care of your mind and don't get down on yourself. mental illness is an illness, treat it like any other illness. none of us are perfect.

05. God's got this.
i recently read a post about a pastor who committed suicide and it was just so upsetting, but his wife said that his favorite phrase was "God's got this." so yeah just remember that on the hard days, God's got this.

that's all i have at this moment, so until next time!

xoxo, Aubs

beauty routine

you all voted on my instagram and decided that you wanted to see my summer beauty routine. my beauty routine for the summer is generally the same as my normal beauty routine, with a few small changes.

for this post, i have decided to highlight a few products that i swear by.

mario badescu drying lotion + rose water spray

i have been using the mario badescu rose water spray for almost two years now. i love spritzing it on my face after a day at the beach, after showering, after using a face mask, etc. it is super refreshing and it smells good too.
i just started using the mario badescu drying lotion and i am in love with it! this stuff works like magic; you put it on blemishes before you go to bed and in the morning they have shrunk significantly or they are completely gone. two of my must-haves!

i typically use both of these products every day because that's just how much i love them.

coconut oil + tea tree oil

i always have a small container in my bathroom filled with coconut oil and a few drops of tea tree oil. tea tree oil is an antibacterial essential oil so it is great for cleansing skin and coconut oil is an awesome moisturizer, that's why i put this mixture on my face before i go to bed. this blend helps with redness and also with blemishes.

face masks

as of late, i have been doing a lot of face masks. a few of my favorites are memebox disco kitten, origins charcoal mask, + epicuren chai soy mud mask.

colourpop concealer

and last but not least, a product that my friends and i call "the magic concealer." priced at only $6 this concealer is even better than urban decay, estee lauder, etc. with 30 different shades, it's nearly impossible not to find a shade for you. i have never used a concealer that covers blemishes and lasts all day, until now! i am in love with this product and i will never go back!

now with beauty routines, not all products work for everyone. so definitely try these things and if they don't work, don't feel discouraged. everyone's skin is different and needs different products. and remember, what really matters is your beauty on the inside, not on the outside!

xoxo, aubs

NH + VT

i just got back from a two-week adventure to new england and i wanted to share this adventure with you! as a lot of you know, my best friend lives in new hampshire and we try to see each other at least once a year. this year, i traveled to new hampshire for two weeks in hopes of starting fresh this summer. since my trip to new hampshire, i have decided to become a pescetarian (vegetarian who eats fish and other seafood) and i have also decided that i really need to start taking care of myself, mentally.

all of this was decided during my adventurous week to new hampshire and a little bit to vermont, in this post you will get a little more insight as to how such an environment could help me set these goals. so let's begin!

for starters, this trip to visit angela was very important to both of us, so important that i woke up at 3:30 am for my 5 am flight to boston. i barely slept on the flight because i was so excited and i also wanted to see the sunrise. God painted such a beautiful picture that morning, making known His presence with me during my trip. that day i met angela's new child (dog), bear. we mutually decided that i would be bear's aunt, so hello i am now a dog auntie.

during my trip we went to many cool places. we visited hampton, where we took bear for a walk along the beach.

i saw my other cousin, vanessa's new house and had a really fun dinner over there. angela, nicole, and i took a day trip to portsmouth for some shopping!

we went to ellis river in jackson, did some crazy hiking down the river and also swam in it. i ate some really good ahi tuna tacos while in town.

we took a roadtrip to vermont to visit some more cousins. vermont is such a calm place to be. life just seems to slow down while you are there. vermont is one of the many reasons why i would like to live in the new england region at some point in my life.

we celebrated nicole's 15th birthday by taking her out to breakfast, taking cute photos, and spending the day with her. angela and i also took photos that make us look like a couple, so typical.

we went to white lake, this gorgeous lake that is centered in the middle of the mountains. it's a state park in new hampshire, so it's pretty popular. while we were there is decided to storm for a good 35 minutes, but then the rest of the day was beautiful.

then on my last night in new hampshire (sad), we went and saw ant-man and the wasp. during the trailer for creed we all freaked out at how hot michael b. jordan is, what's new. we also took some movie theatre pics that are the real gems of my whole trip.

i'm still fairly sad that i am not currently with angela, but i know that we will see each other again soon.

thank you to jetblue for setting their prices low enough that i can afford to see my cousin more often. thank you to shipt for having a job that makes it possible for me to travel. and thank you to my relatives for taking me in for two weeks this summer. i am so grateful that this trip could happen.

till next time!

xoxo, aubs

summer reading list

recently, my friend, jack, told me that i needed to read a novel this summer, so naturally, i took that as "i need to read as many novels as i can." i put together a summer reading list for myself and after putting it to a vote on my instagram, i have decided to share it with you. I have put an X next to each book that I have finished. i hope to finish all of these by the end of the summer.

on my list is

• the handmaid's tale X
• gone girl X
• the girl on the train X
• sad girls X
• middlesex X
• out of bounds X
• slaughterhouse five 
• catch 22
• the marriage plot
• the mars room
• the perfect mother
• how to walk away
• into the water
• educated
• the book of essie 

i encourage you all to make a summer reading list for yourself, maybe include some of these on your list! also comment some more books i should read, i'm always up for recommendations. until next time!

-aubs